Dear USA

Dear USA:

Hey, I don't know if you know this, but I have taken it upon myself to travel to Portugal as an unofficial emissary/ object of amusement for locals. 

I have only been here for a few days, but already I have some excellent suggestions for our people I have learned here.  To be fair, I have prepared a similar letter for Portugal on some element of our culture they may consider useful.

First, I have noticed that ceramic tiles often serve as siding to houses here.  Not only is this charming and elegant, I feel it would be useful for those Americans who have long  wanted to place hot casserole dishes vertically on the side of their houses but have shied away due to fears of melting or burning it. 

Second, there is an alarming gap in the scope and scale of cool old castles in our respective cultures.  You may protest we have some decent forts, but come on, America, you and I both know forts are totally not castles and castles are awesome.  Step it up, America.

We are not quite so far behind on strange outdated forms of public transit, but here again we lack the creaky trams, funiculars, giant escalators, and tuk-tuks that thrive here.  Sure, modern light rail systems and bus lines are both more cost effective and efficient, but YAWN, America.  Yawn.  

There is also a decided Romance gap in our cities to which we have no excuse or defense.  Lisbon, for example, is a city capable of generating more European Romance Units (ERUs) per square foot than Cincinnati, Ohio generates in its entire metro area.   We should strongly consider the immediate implementation of narrow cobblestone alleys, enchanting hole in the wall wine bars, a national ham upgrade program, and the training of our young people to be at least 50% more disaffected and waifish than their current state of ebullientness.  Glee, forsooth.

I could go on and on, including suggesting requiring American restaurants to supply massive amounts of delicious wine inexpensively, having experts finally explain the appeal of the sport known here as "futbol",  and the benefits of actually being nice to foreigners,  but I believe I have given you enough to chew on for now.  I hope this feedback has been useful, and feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Sincerely, 

Alex Olsen
American